Being a Dreadfully Long-Winded Account of the Life of the Ill-Fated King Oedipus
or
Oedipus Wrecked

A poem by Heather Fleming and Erin White, composed during the 1996-97 school year

A dreadful matter
As mad as a hatter
It couldn't be badder
It's really no joke
The rules Oedipus broke:
"Don't kill your dad
'Cause that's really bad
It could drive you mad
(And more than a tad)
And don't marry your mum
'Cause that's really dumb
It will make you so glum
And all of your chums
Will call you a bum."

The prophecy said:
"He will you wed
And he will you dead."
"So let's kill him instead
Or I fear I must fly
For I don't want to die,"
His poor dad did cry.
"I really must run
I won't marry my son
That wouldn't be fun
And it just isn't done!"
(And 'tis rumoured she said as the quarrel grew hotter:
"Why couldn't I just have a sweet little daughter?"

They took some stout leather
Tied his ankles together
And sent him away to rot in the heather
And contend with the weather
But the servant they sent
Was a kindly old gent
With a good-natured bent
And when he went
To do the vile deed
Said, "I can't kill this 'keed'
It's not what I need
My conscience 'twould impede
So I'll see this boy freed."
He told an old friend
Who had sheep to tend:
"I need some help. Could you give some advice to me?
If my master finds out, he won't be very nice to me
And the boot will be given, I fear, in a trice to me.
But I can't kill this kid, it would be awfully mean
The killing of children is something obscene
The very thought of it makes me turn green
It's mean and it's nasty and awfully malignant
The concept alone, why, it makes me indignant
So take him away and don't let him come back
Because if you do I'll be put on the rack
They'll stretch me out long, and oh how I'll holler
I'm not willing to go through all that to be taller!"
So the shepherd said maybe
And took the poor baby
And gave him away be-
-Cause it was apparent
The kid's history was errant
And his weakness inherent
And the shepherd had no use for being a parent
So he have the boy to the Corinthian king
And in doing so, he told him this thing:
"Upon this child's head is a vile malediction
The prophetess gave him a nasty prediction
His parents don't want him and so they have opted
To put him away, and have him adopted."

So Oedipus grew up a very fine prince
'Till one day he heard something that made him wince:
"Marry my mother and murder my father?
Now really that would be a terrible bother.
This prophecy's mad and I will not complete it
My best course of action, I think, is to beat it."
He wandered till he came to where three roads meeted
And some guy stopped him, saying, "How dare you delay us?"
(He didn't know this was his father, King Laios)
So Oedipus thought, "Well, my goodness, what gall."
And fell into a rage and slaughtered them all.
(Except for one guy who did not end up gory:
The servant we met at the start of the story
He slunk away then but he'll soon reappear -
But we're getting too far ahead of ourselves, I fear)
And Oedipus went then on his merry way
The fight had really brightened his day
For he didn't know that when Laios was killed
That half of the prophecy had been fulfilled.

He then went to Thebes and said, "Something stinks
I may have just had a few too many drinks
But I do believe I've found the lair of the Sphinx.
She don't look too bright, really, is what I thinks."
In front was a woman, a crabby old minx
In back was what looked like an overgrown lynx.
She liked to torment all the people so little
And challenge them with an unsolvable riddle.
The all tried to solve it, they stomped and they fumed
For all those who guessed wrong were quickly comsumed
But Oedipus said, "Hey, I'm not in a pinch.
This riddle's quite simple. It's really a cinch.
I'm awfully sorry, but I've got a hunch
That I won't be ending my days as your lunch.
So just go away, and thanks a whole bunch."
And lo and behold
With arrogance bold
The answer was told.
The Sphinx she stood up and here's what she said:
"I won't be defeated. I'd rather be dead!"
So she jumped off a cliff and broke open her head
(Which turned all the rocks in the area red)
And then all the Thebans, they made such a fuss
They said, "O Great Oedipus, you have saved us.
Your deed was the greatest that we've ever seen
Some jerk killed the king, so come marry the queen."
The first time he saw her he thought she looked familiar
But then he decided that the idea couldn't be sillier
"I've never seen her before in my life
She's a little bit old, but she'll make a good wife."
And he and Jocasta they quickly were wed -
And the rest of the prophecy came down on his head.