The VLO Manifesto

1. No fruit or vegetable is to be uprooted, picked, or otherwise removed from its natural habitat, without having given prior written consent.
2. No fruit or vegetable is to be subjected to cruel and unusual forms of torture, including but not limited to, the following: boiling, grating, frying, slicing, juicing, peeling, mashing, dehydrating, dicing, baking, puréeing, and freeze-drying. Food processors are to be declared instruments of torture and banned.
3. We fruits and vegetables recognize the hardships endured by other plants. Therefore, we demand that all house and garden plants be liberated from captivity and allowed to flourish in the wild. If any plant, for any reason, wishes to remain in captivity, it must state its wishes in writing, and its captors must enroll in a plant care course.
4. Due to the physical and emotional trauma experienced by fruits and vegetables when in the presence of rabbits, said organisms are to be banned from public areas.
5. The government is to issue a formal public apology for all unjust treatment of fruits and vegetables in the past.
6. Vegetarianism is to be declared a hate crime.
7. A clause is to be inserted into the Charter of Rights and Freedoms to the effect that no one shall suffer discrimination on the basis of his, her, or its vegetativity.
8. Fruits and vegetables are to be given the right to vote.
1. Fruits and vegetables demand recognition as a distinct society. This includes:
2. The VLO is to become a national political party with myself, V. Gétale as party leader.
3. The VLO anthem is to be taught in schools along with the human national anthems.
4. Fruilégois, the language of fruits and vegetables, is to be declared the third official language.
5. Fruits and vegetables are to be granted a veto in all constitutional matters.
9. Lastly, scientists, both human and vegetable, are to begin work immediately on giving humans the ability to undergo photosynthesis, so that they are no longer forced to prey on helpless plants.

If you don't understand what the heck I'm talking about, it's kind of a spoof on the FLQ crisis of 1970. If you don't know what that is, I guess you just have to brush up on your Canadian history. If you know what the FLQ crisis is and even realized that I was doing a spoof of it, and you still don't understand what I'm talking about, don't worry. You're not alone. Even I don't understand myself sometimes...