************************************************************ Logging Started: 04/14/2001 at 1:44:23 ------------------------------------------------------------ A gentle drizzle falls from the sky, gradually moistening the surface of the earth, creating a rhythmic pitter-patter against the roofs and windows of houses and businesses within the vicinity. Even in the evening the rain continues to fall, leaving the air chilly and giving an overall lazy feel of the day. The sounds of the night animals aren't heard in the evening; just the sound of the howling wind and the rain beating against the ground. Rain. Rain, rain, go away, come again another day... it's been raining nonstop for a week, Utena thinks dimly, brushing moisture that isn't rain away from her cheeks as she sits at a small wooden table in the dimly lit restaurant, grateful for the shadows. It's not like her to be this depressed... not normally. But this.. today, well... it'll take her a little while to rebound to her usual self. She has a pot of tea in front of her on the table, but it's since gotten cold, untouched, and she stares at a slightly crumpled white rose laying on the table in front of her, eyes wide and unseeing. *creeeeak* It's a good thing the Columns is open 24 hours. Tsukiko wanders in, head soaked, standing just inside the door and letting the rain drip off her coat, before walking further in. Shivering a bit--it gets COLD at night, after all--the girl is glad for the warmth of the pub. Oddly enough, her eyes are in 'unseeing' mode, too, but for a different reason. Ever have a dream that you just can't stop? Like you're a rider in your own body? Only once, and it nearly killed Utena, that dream. She rallies somewhat at the sound of the door, looking up with foggy blue eyes toward the sound, wondering who else is wandering in the night and seeking respite from the cold here. The rain can be heard pattering against the ceiling, against the windows, soft and constant, a soft staccato rhythm. ".. Tsukiko," Utena says softly, just above the level of conversation. Tsukiko finds her way to your table, slipping into the chair opposite you, uninvited, but figuring that you won't object... probably... or maybe she's just that out of it. She stares at you for a long moment, then blinks. "... 'tena?" Yes, she did shorten your name a bit. In fact, she sounds a bit... childlike, in her voice. "... what's wrong?" Utena tries to drag herself out of the morass and put on at least a decent game face. The instincts of her desire to be a prince run deep- her own pain is secondary. "... I've just got stuff on my mind, is all," she lies with as much grace and kindness as she can manage, quickly brushing her fingers under her eyes and managing a almost sincere-looking smile. Tsukiko didn't survive this long being -totally- naive. She frowns, leaning forward, elbows on the table, crimson eyes resolving into intense points. "... so do I. What's on your mind, then....?" Utena shakes her head, laughing weakly, resting her hand absently over the thornless stem of the white rose, her fingers flat and long. "... a ... someone I cared about once is making me do something I don't want to do... but I have to do it." Tsukiko's eyes narrow a little. "... 'have to do it'...? It sounds like... blackmail, or extortion... what's going on?" Utena waves her hands quickly. "It's not like that... it's... " She turns her head, exhaling, and glances at the smooth, somewhat oversized silver ring sitting on her finger. "... Look, it's really stupid. I'm just upset because it was ... not something I expected, not from him.. it's nothing dangerous..." But it is... she remembers vividly how close she came to losing an eye during her duel with Juri- only the elder student's razorsharp control of her sword kept Utena in one piece. And Saionji probably would have taken her head off if he could have gotten the right angle... And it's not even like she doesn't want to talk about it- she DOES. But the .. drive.. not to speak of the Game runs deep, even in her. Tsukiko sits back, her expression collapsing a little. "... I guess you don't want to talk about it, huh..." She sounds... disappointed. After all she opened up to you, didn't she? She stares at the teapot, mouth settling at the corners. Utena fidgets uncomfortably, well aware of that fact, thanks. "... it's not like that," she says softly. "... I'm not -supposed- to talk about it." Tsukiko replies, almost matter-of-factly, "I'm probably not supposed to talk about the fact that I'm certifiably crazy and could go insane and kill a lot of people." Utena flinches, but exhales. "Well, then we're both crazy... Just... promise me this stays between us. As stupid as it is, no one is supposed to know about it." She finally moves enough to pour some tea, and makes a slight face to find that it's cold. She drinks some anyway, though. "... I don't want to overstate it, but ... somehow I ended up in a .. I guess you can call it a secret society. It wasn't really my choice, and I didn't have much control over it, but... the society was made up of students at the school I originally attended. They held.. duelling games, sword-duels." Tsukiko says, "... duels? Why? For what purpose?" She'll have to fight, too. Of course... she won't be aiming to take roses off people's chests, and the weapons will be feet, fists, and a certain purple fire that burns her blood. Her eyes tighten at the thought, as does her mouth. "... fighting isn't... it isn't a good way of life..." Utena closes her eyes. "Tell me about it. But I had to do it, because the first time I was challenged, I could have been thrown out of the school if I didn't go along with it... Anyway, these duels... they're fought over a girl. PLEASE don't ask me to explain how it happened. I still don't know myself, and the whole idea pisses me off. Anyway... I thought, when I got here, the duels were over. When Himemiya, the girl, got here, I thought, great. We don't have to do that stupid crap any more. Even as some of the other duellists started appearing and I ran into them, I still thought.. we've gotten away from the Game. We don't have to play any more." She takes in a long breath, and her expression becomes.. immeasurably saddened. THe wound is still very raw, and it's made worse by the fact it's torn skin away from an even older, deeper wound. "... and then he showed up." Tsukiko moves on instinct. You've probably noticed this some, in your dealings with her. It's that instinct which makes her reach out, to lay one warm--almost hot?--hand on yours. "... he?" Utena breathes out a long sigh- her hand is neither cold nor hot, but somewhere inbetween. The thick silver ring is at body temperature, but you'd almost swear it becomes slightly colder at your touch. Perhaps, however, that's just the contrast of its temperature against your warmer skin... "Kiryuu Touga," Utena sighs, lifting her large eyes to the ceiling and gazing into the eaves. "... the Student Council President of Ohtori Academy... another Duellist... and my former ..." She flinches away from the word 'boyfriend', it doesn't go deep enough. But they were too young to be 'lovers', even if the passion was there.... ".... well, I loved him." she settles. Tsukiko guesses, quietly. "He... is trying to force something on you. Something you don't want. This game?" Utena says, "If it were that simple, I'd laugh in his face. It's not that simple." Tsukiko asks, "Then what is it?" Utena shakes her head with slight bitterness. "It's NEVER simple, with that damn game. See... in the game.. the person who holds the .. power, the ... girl that is the object of the duels... that person is called the Victor of the Duel. It's.. as far as I know.. the highest position in the game. But if you're a Victor, you can't refuse a challenge, ever...." She breathes in, and drinks a bit more cold tea. "I'm the Victor, right now. Touga challenged me earlier this evening. I think.. he thinks he can protect me, somehow... against what he thinks is going to happen, I don't know. But .. that's why we broke UP back then.. because he wanted me to be his princess, but I wanted to be a prince." Tsukiko muses on that, for a moment. "... so he wants to.. defeat you. So he can protect you?" She looks at you, questioningly. "Is that all he wants? Wouldn't it be easier to stop the duels?" Utena says, "No... because the girl in question is my friend." Utena says firmly. "And... other duellists that have been her Victor..." Note the careful avoidance of any suggestion of 'ownership'... ".. have mistreated her and abused her. I can't let that happen again. So, for her sake, I have to be strong, and remain her Victor no matter what... even against... him." "You loved this Touga," states Tsukiko. "Do you think he'd mistreat your friend?" Utena says, "No.. Touga wouldn't. He's too much of a gentleman for that, and he has some sense of honor... but If I default now... he'll get her. He's not so bad.. but some of the others... then they'd fall on him, and fight him for her, and she'd just get passed around again, and I know she'd end up with someone that would really hurt her." Utena breathes, "We put one additional condition on the duel between us. If I win.. he leaves the Game for good.. but if he wins.. then *I* leave the Game." Tsukiko says, "... that's..." She whispers, "... you're staking everything to come on this duel..." Utena nods slowly. "... and I don't know that I can beat him. HIM. Anyone else... but him... he was my heart for more than a year... I adored him bilndly. We were... happy, for a little while..." Tsukiko squeezes your hand lightly, and smiles. "Be glad for that time..." Utena's fingers stiffen. "... I... I hate being put in this position. After my parents died... not too long after.. I met him for the first time. We were pretty young... he... we were both castoffs, in a way. We stayed in touch, and then we got together for that little while... but... I'm the one that broke it off. He wanted to protect me, I knew that... I know he still feels that way.But ... I can't be protected... I can't be that soft, perfect girl that he wants, the perfect rose without any thorns. I have to become a Prince... a prince that saves others... and I can't do that if I'm a princess for someone.. even someone like him..." Utena says, ".. He's willing to hurt me to save me.. he knows how important keeping Himemiya away from all those jerks is to me.. and yet.. he's still doing this to me.. making me fight him." Tsukiko looks down, at your fingers--at that ring. "So you'll resign yourself to standing against all comers... forever? How long will it take to end the game?" She looks up at you, after a moment. "If you really want to be the prince... then you'll defeat him, won't you? Without regret?" Utena says, "... I don't know.. I guess it is like forever... who else is going to do it? She can't defend herself... " Utena's pained expression eases slightly- Himemiya /needs/ her. The princess to her prince... otherwise, Utena would have dropped it all some time ago... ".. I never really thought about how long it could go on. But..when you say it like that, I know.. that I'll do it if I have to, as long as it takes...." she bites her lip. "But, between her and him... that's not /fair/ either way. I lose even if I win... and I have to win." Tsukiko says, "Maybe... winning isn't how you should look at it, 'tena." She lets go of your hand to clasp hers together, leaning her chin against them. "Because it isn't really winning... if there is no end to the Game... you're not winning. The only way for you to win... to free yourself and your Himemiya from the game.. is to find an end to it." She smiles, a bit wistful, a bit bitter. "There are aspects of my struggle that--in talking with Iori--I think will be without end. So... in some senses, 'tena, you and I are very alike... only... the demons I duel will be within my soul." Utena nods once, settling back with a sigh. "I thought it -was- over, since we got here. But Touga said... " She casts her mind back briefly, closing her eyes, remembering.. still feeling the rain on her skin. "No matter what you think of the Duels, you continue to fight in them. You feel the same as the rest of us do... called by something that we don't quite understand. You still feel Ohtori around you, even though we are no longer on the same world... you feel echoes of your past in a place where they have no right to be....And against all logic, you can't give it up. No matter what the price, you feel called to stay on till the end..." She opens her eyes, looking at you sadly. "The damn thing is he's right. That's exactly how I feel. I guess I keep hoping that if I win enough times... they'll just.. stop. Give it up, drop it. Let her alone." Tsukiko murmurs, softly, "But they won't, will they? If it really is a cycle... then they'll keep coming at you, taking defeat after defeat, until you're just too worn down. And who will save you?" She shakes her head. "I..." Utena says, "I'm not going to let that happen." Utena says sharply, purpose in her tone. "I can't. I could never live with myself. Even if I lose this duel in five days to Touga... it's not going to stop me from trying to help her. I'm not the one who needs saving or protection. Whoever heard of a prince that needed to be protected? That's not right at all." She crosses her arms over her chest, shaking her head and letting out a deep, long breath. "I was wearing this ring a long time before I knew it was the ring of the duel- and I was living by what this ring promised me a long time before I met Touga, too." Tsukiko smiles, sadly. "I admire your strength. I wish I had half of it." She rubs her hands together, feeling that ghost fire, from her dreams, the blood redness of everything... "When I hear you say these things... I believe you can do it." Utena says, "I'm not strong," Utena says with a slight smile. "If I were really strong, I wouldn't let the fact that this time it's going to be Touga throw me. I'm letting her down, even by thinking like this..." She starts to drink the tea again, but shakes her head. "Excuse me a second, I'm tired of this cold tea." She takes the pot with her and goes to a counter, getting one of the latenight staff to give her fresh hot water and a new bit of tea. As she returns, she says, "I guess he was right in that we do have a fate after all... I told him I didn't believe in fate, tht we had to make our own choices... but if there wasn't a fate, or a destiny, why do we keep crossing paths and having to be put opposite each other?" Pouring two cups, she hands one to you. Tsukiko takes the cup, cradling it. She looks over the edge of the cup, at you. "If you've already been through this 'Game' once... and it sounds like you have... and you hate it this much... then you have to be strong. Strength isn't about indomitability, always... sometimes it's just about the willpower to keep going.. to keep fighting." Utena sips her tea. "Twice." she says, before adding two cubes of sugar and stirring slowly. "...actually, that's not right. I've fought... Saionji twice, Micky once and Arisugawa-sempai once..." She shivers, remembering the look in Juri's eyes, the most recent duel having been completed mere hours before her arrival here. Juri wanted -blood-, and it was a sheer miracle that she was victorious that time.. Juri was far, far better than her. Tsukiko says, "Why do they fight? These ... Duellists. What's in it for them?" Utena sets the cup down in the saucer, shrugging her shoulders faintly. "I don't really know. Usually they get pissed off at me, or want HImemiya for some personal reason. Arisugawa-sempai fought me because she thought I wasn't worthy of being a Duellist with my silly ideas about princes on white horses and the memory of this ring..." She glances once more at her signet. "... Micky fought me because he thought I wouldn't let HImemiya play the piano any more, and he enjoyed playing duets with her... Saionji fought me because I beat him from being the Victor, and he thought he owned Himemiya body and soul." She makes a dark, disgusted face at the thought, and the memory of watching him hit her so hard she fell into the dirt on campus. Utena says, "When I've tried to ask Himemiya about what it's all about, she stalls me or just gives me dead-end statements. .. Most of this is a mystery to me, really." Tsukiko frowns. "... it sounds like little more than a formalized way to call someone out after school. Why not just use rocks and sticks and beat each other up like normal people do?" Utena has to laugh when you say that, a peal that rings like a clear bell under the old church ceiling. "You know, I've thought like that too, but what's the point in asking questions like that? I guess it's more.. I don't know, impressive to use real swords like we do... rocks and sticks would just be /crude/. Ah.. but does using a training boken count as a stick? In that case, I did fight with something like that...." A bit of amusement shows in her face there. Tsukiko says, "That's a bit like how I fight... down and dirty and in your face. It's the only thing I know. I don't like fighting.. I hate it. But if I have to do it I'll do it as quickly and efficiently as I can..." Utena says, "I'm really terrible at it," Utena admits. "The whole thing started because Saionji posted a letter my friend wrote to the school board.... he made her /cry/. So I went to the kendo hall and waved a practice sword at him and said I wanted to duel. I didn't see that he had the ring at the time.. so I was pretty surprised when they dumped all the weirdness on me in the arena. Anyway... Arisugawa's the fencing captain, Miki's her second, Touga and Saionji are both highlevel kendo practicioners... I'm just the girl who plays basketball and soccer. I couldn't compete with them, if the truth is told." Tsukiko asks, "And yet you keep winning...?" Utena lifts her hand and rubs the back of her neck. "Yeah....somehow." Tsukiko nods slowly. "I admire that." Utena bobs her head slightly, sipping from her tea and rolling the taste around on her tongue before swallowing. "... Anyway, that's my problem. It's pretty unimportant in the end, I suppose... there are a lot worse things going on all around. Sorry to bore you with such talk..." Tsukiko shakes her head, vigorously. "'tena..." She frowns, briefly. "... you and I, we're a lot alike." She thinks a little more. "I want to be your friend. Your problems... your situation... it's important to me." Utena smiles broadly. "I don't say no to people that want to be my friend. I sure need some. I just wish I could do something to /help/ you. I'm not satisfied with having to sit and listen to your sadness and not being able to do anything about it." Tsukiko smiles a bit at that. "How do you think I feel about seeing YOUR sadness, 'tena...?" She sets her teacup down. "Having someone who'll listen-- who isn't involved in it all--helps." Utena moves her hand airily. "I was feeling sorry for myself. I do that sometimes, when I get down... but you're right. Talking about it made me realize what I care about most. I still... I guess I'll never stop loving Touga, but as long as we come at it from the angle of both of us trying to protect the other one, we'll constantly have situations like this... so.. thank you for letting me work it out in my head."